Bad dreams
by tanya-arianneNL
Summary: "I don't need therapy, I knew what I was doing." Hadn't she herself said something similar back then? Hadn't she too, refused to speak to a professional? . Set at the start of Season 1. Mentions of non-con, but nothing explicit.
1. Chapter 1

**_First of all, I apologise if I made many mistakes, I'm not a native speaker. Secondly, I am aware that this chapter might seem a bit vague, but there will be a second and possibly a third chapter, so hopefully that clears things up. I have been trying to come up with an idea for a new long story, but not much luck there yet, so I decided to use one of my ideas to write a shorter story. Hope you enjoy it and please review!_**

_She felt the zipper of her dress slowly being pulled down, his other hand following its path. She felt his breath on her neck, speeding up as it got lower and lower. He pushed her dress down one of her shoulders then the other and soon she felt the material slide over her stomach, her thighs until it pooled at her ankles. His hands began to move up again, lightly trailing her bare skin. It took every ounce of her willpower to keep standing still, when every nerve of her body screamed to get away from the unwanted touch._

With a scream she woke up, not immediately aware of her surroundings. Panic overtook her when she realised she couldn't move, her limbs trapped in the cover that somehow had wrapped around her body during her dream. With wild movements she untangled herself from the sheets, jumping out of her bed. Her nightgown was damp with cold sweat, strands of wet hair were sticking to her face. She placed her hand against the wall, as if feeling its solidness would calm her down. It was only a dream, only a dream. She repeated the sentence in her head, almost like a mantra. It wasn't true, it hadn't just been a dream, it was a memory.

A knock on the door startled her, shaking her out of deep thoughts. Rusty came walking through the door, wearing an annoyed expression.

"Seriously, I know have to be under 24 hour adult supervision, but are you going to wake me at three o'clock from now too?"

He froze when finally looked up at her, seeing the position she was in. her arms had snaked around her body in a protective way. Her slender frame was shaking slightly while she tried to put herself together.

"Are you alright?"

She didn't dare to open her mouth and answer his question, afraid she would break if she tried to breath. She could still feel the rough hands stroking the skin of her sides, even though the actual event had happened a little over two years ago.

"Sharon?"

He never used her name, it was always Captain, if he addressed her at all. She needed to be brave, she needed to be strong for the boy's sake. He was so angry, so lost, she couldn't just lose it right now. Her arms felt like lead when she forced herself to remove them from their original position.

"Yes, I'm fine. Just go back to sleep hon-"

She needed to catch herself before the word slipped from her lips. It felt natural, she had used the word so many times before with her own kids, but she knew Rusty wouldn't appreciate it. It also took a lot of effort to restrain herself from touching him. Most of all she wanted to take him in her arms, to tell him everything was going to be fine, she would make sure it was. He would flinch and run away without looking back, she realised that the first time she saw him.

"Rusty, really I'm fine, it was just a bad dream."

He looked at her funnily and for a moment she wondered whether the possibility of her having nightmares had ever occurred to him. Sure, he seemed hell bent on pointing out her shortcoming at any given moment, but all his stinging comments seemed to be focused on proving that she somehow wasn't human. Being thrown by a bad dream probably didn't fit his image of her. Then again, he also didn't know it's him that's triggering those nightmares. From the moment she decided to take him in, she was aware that it wouldn't be easy, However, she hadn't counted on the fact that his presence would bring back certain memories, certain events she was trying so hard to forget. He didn't do it on purpose, of course, how could he? It wasn't as if he knew how much he reminded her of that one day, how much he reminded her of her own actions.

_"I don't need therapy, I knew what I was doing."_

Hadn't she herself said something similar back then? Hadn't she too, refused to speak to a professional? Soon, however, she'd found out just how wrong she had been. Knowing what she was doing definitely hadn't made it any easier to deal with the aftermath. In some ways it had made it worse, because there had been a choice, or, maybe, only the illusion of a choice, for there had really been only one option for her. Despite all the panic attacks and nightmares she had to endure because of that one decision, in her heart she knew it had been the right one.

Rusty felt confused, there was really no other word for it, when he left Sharon's room. His mind seemed unable to process what he'd just witnessed. Here was this strong woman, who seemed to unbreakable no matter what he threw at her, having nightmares like everyone else. He had truly started to believe that she either had no feelings at all or at least had impossibly thick skin. He had seen the way her subordinates treated her, with grouching respect yes, but none of them liked her even the slightest bit. With good reason, in Rusty's opinion. Yet, seeing her like that, pain visible in her eyes, it did not make sense. "bad dreams" her answer echoed in his head and for one reason or another he was sure that she had told the truth.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two! A huge thanks to everyone who has reviewed/followed/favorited so far, I really appreciate it. Hope you enjoy this chapter as well. Just let me know what you think.**

_The girl couldn't be much older than seventeen, her eyes wide and panicky, but there was no one speaking up. They all sat there, one mass of blank faces with only one goal : staying invisible until this nightmare was over. Self-preservation, that's what it was, though she couldn't blame them, fear was a powerful weapon. One of the men, dressed all in black, began to unbutton the girls navy blouse, his face obscured by the black mask he was wearing. Even though she was sitting far away from the man, Sharon could've sworn he was chuckling under his breath. The girl was crying now, violent sobs wrecked through her body as she tried to cover herself. The man simply grabbed one of her wrists, intending to drag her with him. She knew this was her cue to put an end to it, she couldn't keep watching, but her limbs seemed to be stuck to the floor. She tried to open her mouth to protest, but no sound came out. Panic began to wash over her, this was not how it was supposed to go. Suddenly the man's mask was gone, his uncovered face almost touching hers. Yellows teeth exposed as he grinned manically, the stench on his breath almost unbearable. _

_"you can't save her, you never did."_

It was the second night in a row that she woke up with a start, her heart beating wildly in her chest. She rolled into her back, trying to focus on her breathing. In through her nose, holding it for a split second, then out through her mouth. It did the trick, the rapid breaths began to show down, calming her in the process. When she finally felt like her pulse had returned to its normal pace, she slipped out of bed, putting on her robe before walking to the kitchen.

She cradled the mug with two hands, revelling in the comfortable warmth that seeped through her skin. It was one of the things she did, one of her routines you could say, making tea when she couldn't sleep. It felt familiar, which was exactly what she needed right now. It was strange how since rusty moved in she felt more alone than ever in her own home. Of course, she was used to being disliked, her career in internal affairs had taught her to deal with that. It hadn't really mattered, anyway, she had her friends outside of work and, more importantly, she had her kids. Her home had always been a safe haven, the place we're she could let down her guard, yet as of late it felt like even there she had to watch her step. For a moment she wondered whether bringing rusty into her personal life had been a mistake. Almost immediately she realised it hadn't, she would've never been able to just dump him into the system again. Yes, he came with certain challenges and yes he managed to hurt her with the things he said, but she wasn't going to give up that easily. Ishe really wanted to help him she had to be prepared to grit her teeth now and then.

Rusty had been tossing and turning all night, unable to sleep. Not that it was a big of deal really, he'd been having trouble sleeping as long as he could remember. Which was why, initially, he'd been so angry when Sharon had woken him up last night. It was one thing that she seemed determined to ruin his life with her_ "lights out rusty", "no rusty you can't do that"_, and his personal favourite _"you are a witness in a muurdeertriiaall rusty",_ but now she was ruining his sparse hours of sleep as well.

However, his anger had quickly turned into curiosity after last night. Another reason for a sleepless night, for he'd spend the earliest hours of the morning trying to figure out what could possibly give the captain nightmares. What was so terrible that it featured in her dreams, terrifying enough to wake her up looking like that? A sudden move startled him, he'd been on his way to the kitchen unaware that, in the dimly lit space of the living room, the captain was drinking her tea. When turned in her direction he was just in time to see how she nearly dropped her tea, as startled to find him there as the other way around.

"Rusty, what are you doing out of bed?"

She asked in her usual clipped tone, emphasising every syllable in the way that annoyed him so much. She wasn't wearing her glasses, for which he was glad, since it made her seem a lot less intimidating. Though her clear green eyes still stared at him in a piercing way, almost if she was able to see right through him.

"I could ask you the same."

He countered, already anticipating the "I am the adult, you are the child" response. However she surprised him by calmly saying.

"I asked first."

He couldn't argue with that logic, not really, and besides he was too tired to argue.

"I couldn't sleep."

He decided to answer truthfully. He didn't want to play any games, he only came to the kitchen to fetch something to drink. The sooner he could go back to _"the room", _as he called it, the better. She, on the other hand, didn't seem to be in any hurry to get back to bed, judging from the teapot that stood on the table in front of her.

"Oh I'm sorry, did I wake you?"

She instantly felt bad, but resisted the urge to hang her head. She had tried to be as quiet as possible while making tea.

"Yes, you did actually, because usually I fall asleep immediately and then I dream about rainbows."

He said, his words dripping with sarcasm. Suddenly he wanted to hurt her, not physically, no, he wanted to lash out to her verbally. He wanted to make her feel some of the pain he'd been feeling, even though, deep down, he knew it wasn't fair. But as always, she kept a straight face, her tone natural when she spoke.

"Rusty, I'm sorry I didn't know you were having trouble sleeping. I know you don't want to hear this, but sometimes talking to a-

She once again tried to bring up the subject of therapy, but she didn't come very far. Rusty exploded before she could even finish her sentence

"Are you really that stupid?! I already told you like a thousand times, I don't need a therapist! Did you ever wonder why nobody likes you? huh? It's because you don't listen! You only want people to do things you're way, it doesn't matter what they want!"

He shouted at her, not noticing how she flinched at his words. Did he really think she didn't care? He'd said similar things before, but this time there was so much emotion behind his words that they hit home a lot harder than the previous times.

"Rusty-"

She attempted to start a sentence, not sure what to say. Perhaps it was best to apologise, or maybe she should just tell him to go to bed, like last night.

"Don't! You don't understand, I don't want therapy, I don't need it. I knew what I was doing and why I was doing it, okay?"

He'd stopped screaming, though his voice was still louder than usual. Sharon stood frozen for a split second, then she put her mug on the table with more force than necessary. She felt a lump form in her throat, the promise of tears stinging in her eyes. She wasn't going to cry, not here, not in front of him. Later she would, in the privacy of her room.

"I did too."

She whispered, her voice almost breaking, before leaving him alone in the kitchen.


	3. Chapter 3

**chapter 3! The next chapter will be the last. Hope you all like it and please review!**

Sleep was threatening to wash over her, her eyelids heavy and slightly puffy from the crying. It was so tempting to giver herself over, to fall asleep. She wanted to, her body and mind tired from the previous sleepless nights, yet she didn't dare to close her eyes, knowing what was coming. The thing about nightmares was that, even when based on a real event, they were like remakes of a film. You knew what was going to happen, yet every one of them was a little different. Some moments time was sped up, while others slowed down. Sometimes whole scenes were cut or changed, making it impossible for her to anticipate them. Unlike her life, which was regulated by rules and routines, these dreams were inspired by her deepest fears, which made them dangerous and unpredictable.

_"__No!" She stood up without hesitating, turning the heads of the black-clad figures in the room._

_"__Shut your mouth, you bitch!"_

_The one closest to her spat in a heavy accent she didn't quite recognise. She merely looked at him, ready to stand her ground. She would have, if their staring contest hadn't been cut short by the interference of another man. Out of nowhere he appeared in front of her, his finger lightly stroking her jaw._

_"__Such a pretty little thing."_

_Suddenly the room darkened as she felt her back collide with a wall. She couldn't see anything, but she felt his hands and mouth all over her body. She gasped in pain as his teeth sank into the delicate skin on the juncture of her neck and shoulder._

_"__Come, come, stand still. We had a deal remember?"_

Rusty felt awful, he was struggling with his thoughts. _"I did too." _What had Sharon, no, he corrected himself, the captain meant by that? He tossed and turned while trying to sleep, giving up in the end. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he felt bad for saying all those horrible things to her. He couldn't take it anymore, just lying in bed was only making him feel worse. He looked at the clock, the big red numbers telling him it was 03:12. He realised that the captain was probably sleeping again and the last thing he wanted was to wake her up. Yet, the urge to apologise did not leave him alone. Maybe he could just knock softly on her door, take a peek. As quietly as he could he walked over to her room, part of him still unsure whether to continue. His knocking didn't get a response and for a moment he contemplated opening the door, but quickly decided against it. Feeling strangely disappointed, he started tiptoeing back to his own room when he suddenly heard a noise. It was quiet, but it still stopped him in his tracks.

"Captain?"

He half whispered when he was back at her door. No answer, but after a few seconds he heard the same muffled sound.

"Captain?" He tried again, louder this time. "Sharon? You alright?"

When he still didn't get a response, he carefully opened the door. She was sleeping, but it was anything but peaceful. Rusty could see little beads of sweat forming on her forehead, her breathing was alarmingly fast and her body was twisted in an uncomfortable looking position. Quickly he made it over to her bed, lightly shaking her shoulders.

"Sharon, wake up, it's just a dream."

Her eyes flew open, a look of terror so clearly written on her face that it terrified him. For a split second Sharon stayed completely still before scooting away from him as quickly as possible. Only when her back collided painfully with her wooden headboard, she seemed to realise where she was.

"Rusty! You frightened me."

It did not escape him that she was desperately clinging to her covers, but with a relieve he noted that her expression was calm. He braced himself, he knew he was gonna have to one way or another and the quicker It was over with, the better.

"Captain, I mean Sharon, I mean.."

Just apologise.

"What did you mean earlier, when you said…."

No! No, that wasn't what he wanted to say. Well it was kinda, but that wasn't why he came here.

"You said you did too."

It was the first time he witnessed her face falling. Her usually neutral expression changed almost unnoticeably for the shortest of moments, but he saw it and in that moment he understood. He understood that the captain who always kept her cool, maybe wasn't so different from him. He too maintained an exterior that functioned almost like a shield. Where he masked his weaknesses, his disappointments, by shouting at the world, she did by not showing a reaction at all.

"Rusty, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said that, it was a mistake. You've got enough to worry about already and I am truly so-"

"Wait! It should be me saying sorry, I shouldn't have said what I said."

He interrupted, hanging his head low. He genuinely felt bad, a feeling that confused him more than everything else. He didn't like her, so why feel sorry for hurting her feelings? The moment his mother abandoned him at the zoo, or maybe even before that, he'd learned that the only one he could truly trust, was himself. He didn't form attachments, didn't become dependent, didn't feel sorry for anyone, because they wouldn't feel sorry for him either.

"a little over two years ago, I walked into a hostage."

The soft sound of her voice pulled him out of his deep thoughts. It took a while for her words to register, when they did, however, it didn't seem to make any sense. He was in the middle of apologising, so why the sudden change of topic? His confusion must have been apparent, because she looked at him slightly amused. Soon though, the light in her eyes seemed to fade.

"you wanted to know what I meant"


	4. Chapter 4

**So this is the last chapter. I hope it meets everyone's expectations, but I have to say I'm not completely satisfied with how it turned out. A huge thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed. Enjoy and please let me know what you think. **

_"__you wanted to know what I meant."_

Uncertainty washed over her as soon as the words had left her mouth. Opening up had been a decision made in the spur of the moment, but nevertheless one she couldn't take back.

"It was about two years ago, I needed to cash in some checks at the bank…."

_Almost immediately after she had entered the building, the door behind her opened again and she was passed at both sides by black figures. Everything around her seemed to happen in a blur. There were screams, a gun went off, yet above all the noise she could hear a male voice._

_"__Everyone on the ground, palms on the floor!"_

_Her body moved on its own accord, dropping to her knees first before laying down completely. One side of her face touching the stone floor, hard and cold against her skin. _

"But you're the police, didn't you have a gun?" Rusty interrupted her, sounded nothing like his usual annoyed, teenager self.

_Carefully she raised her head to be able to see what was happening around her in order to assess the situation. There were seven of them, five men and two women, all wearing masks and carrying guns. Her own gun was safely tucked away in the purse lying next to her, she would be able to get it, quite easily even. She raised her head again, looking at the other people on the ground. Closest to her was a man, his arm wrapped protectively around the small frame of a young boy. A couple of feet away from them was an old lady, her eyes firmly closed, her lips moving slightly as if she was praying. She could see eight more people facing the floor, and she wasn't even counting the staff who were lying behind the desks. If she'd manage to get hold of her gun, she'd be able to do what" Probably take out one or two of them at the most before they'd start firing back. It was too much of a risk, too many people could get hurt in the process._

_"__Okay, you are gonna stand up one by one, hand in your bags, mobile phones and other communicational devices. No funny business, don't give us a reason to start killing people, because we will."_

_Sharon heard the same deep voice less than a metre away from her, before the wind got knocked out of her lungs by a heavy boot kicking her in the stomach._

_"__You first."_

_Slowly she rose to her feet, resisting the urge to clutch her stomach. She kept looking at him directly while getting out her phone and giving him her bag. She felt extremely small with his broad posture looming over her, yet she kept her spine straight, her head held high. Determined not to give any of them the pleasure of knowing they intimidated her. That was the thing with being brave, it had nothing to do with the absence fear. In fact, it had everything to do with feeling afraid, because the very essence of courage lied in the overcoming of fear, the realisation that some things are worth fighting for. She'd never been one to crawl away into a dark corner, neither literally nor figuratively, this wasn't the time to start._

_"__Shit man, this one's LAPD!"_

_His voice startled her, but not a muscle in her face moved. One of the women walked over to them, looking at her gun and badge, which the man was currently holding up._

_"__It doesn't matter, as soon as we've got the money, we'll be out of here."_

_Nothing much happened for what she guessed was about half an hour, even though it seemed to last forever. They were made to sit against one of the walls, while the employees of the bank were following the instructions that were thrown their way. On the other side of the room, one of the women was on the phone, most likely with a negotiator. _

_"__Well hello there."_

_Sharon's train of thought was broken by a voice somewhere to her left. Turning her head as inconspicuously as possible she saw that one of the black clad figures was standing in front of a young girl, sitting only a few feet away from her. The faceless man leaned forward a bit, placing two fingers under the girls chin. From where she was sitting, Sharon could see her grey eyes widening in fear._

_"__This is going to take a while. What about you and I go look for a little privacy."_

_The girl looked as if she was either going to break out in tears, or pass out on the spot. It was painfully obvious what the man's intentions were. He yanked her to a standing position, his hand reaching for the buttons on her blouse. The girl looked around her, anxiously seeking for help, her eyes flitting back and forth between the passive people against the wall. When the man roughly pulled her with him, a sob escaped her lips. _

_"__No!"_

Rusty was looking at her as if he saw her for the first time.

"These men were going to ruin this girls life. And for what? For fun? A bit of entertainment?"

Her voice was filled with tears, a lump had formed in her throat. She had seen her fair share of criminals over the years. After all, she had dealt with a lot of criminals over her long career. Still, there were things she'd never get used to.

"So, you let them rape you?"

There was a tone of disbelief laced into his words, but also a hint of admiration.

"It wasn't rape, I knew what I was doing."

There was no resentment in her voice, not a trace of spite, only sadness. Suddenly Rusty understood why she'd been pushing him to see a therapist. Deep down he knew it was what he needed, but at the moment it was too much for him to handle. It was comfortable to cling to the idea that he didn't have a problem, tempting to pretend it never happened at all.

"I'm not ready to-"

His voice was suddenly hoarse, his throat feeling dry and raw, almost like sandpaper. He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence, the words left a bad taste in his mouth, but she immediately knew what he was referring to and she understood.

"I know, rusty, and I never meant to make you do something you're not ready for. I just want you to know that I'm on your side, whether you want me there or not. Even after we found your mother. I hope you know that."

He was at loss for words. For the first time since he'd arrived at the condo, he felt like he could actually begin to like the captain. It was good to know that someone was on his side, it was good to know that it was her.


End file.
